Another month went by and we received some sad news from Tara. Her beloved pet chinchilla, Puffmouse had to be put down. I guess I wasn’t the only one traversing an abysmal chasm. A vision of a fluffy ghost accompanied me for quite a while.
Meanwhile Anton succeeded in getting a new job which he was about to start at the beginning of February. This would leave me a lot of space to myself and seemed like a natural time to advance the operation. I really wanted to up the game in preparation for the third stage but instead of improving, my meditations became erratic, disorganized and fairly empty. To my embarrassment I even fell asleep during a few of them! I was tormented by mood swings and recurring aches and pains, flu like symptom’s and few migraines. My attempts at improving discipline were constantly sabotaged. I began feeling like I had lost it and I was growing frustrated with myself.
Although my practice was far from perfect my study of cabala flourished. I spent a lot of time reading and had deep insights into the Tree of Life which fed into an understanding of my own weaknesses and strengths. Every few days I would come out of my meditations with new ideas about all sorts of things. I was driven by divine inspiration or perhaps madness. I figured that my main task should be to keep my mind quiet and focused. This seemed nearly impossible.
My HGA carried on visiting me and giving me encouragement. Some of our meetings were difficult, confronting me with childhood traumas, unresolved emotional issues and above all my own self doubt. At other times I experienced pure bliss beyond description. Most meditations were simply peaceful and quiet. I still had a lot of work to do but I did feel that the worst part was behind me. I entered the final stage of my operation feeling both beaten and determined.
The last weeks of my operation were spent in very deep meditation, between 5-6 hours a day. It is hard to describe these final days. I became completely immersed in the operation. The short time I could spend with Anton seemed like a different world. I was split between two realities and I felt like I was giving it all I had. At the same time I was still struggling to be disciplined and to conform to my own ideals of what I should or shouldn’t be doing. The further I got in the process the more nervous I began to get. On some days I felt like I could carry on like this forever. At other times I wondered if I will pull through another week.
I began really missing my time with Anton and all the things I could do before I began the operation. I wanted to see my friends again and come back to writing my books. At the same time I felt so much in the other world that I found it hard to picture actually doing any of it. Lastly I began wondering if I can reach a conclusion to this all. Is there an ending?