Holy Guardian Alien and the Conquering Child.

It has been nearly 3 months since I completed my Abramelin Operation. In the last weeks of it I began working on a sculpture representing my Daimon or Holy Guardian Alien as I  like to call them.  The representation, needless to say, is a frivolous attempt at channeling the inexpressible qualities of this entity. I feel that this has been achieved to a satisfactory degree. The idol became a centerpiece on my altar.

DSCF9790.resizedShortly after I completed the operation I had an alien related dream. In this dream I gave birth or had a baby taken out of my body. There was no pain involved in the birthing, just a strange discomfort. The baby was so tiny I could hold it in my hands. Someone presented it to me. The newborn was an alien-human hybrid, with beautiful almond eyes, dark skin and black hair put in bunches. The babe, although newly born, looked in some sense mature and wise. A superior intelligence seemed to radiate from her. All this is absolutely typical of the accounts given by people taken by the alien creatures. As I looked at the baby in surprise and astonishment I was rationalizing its origins. I wasn’t pregnant so were did it come from? If it was inside me then I must have been carrying it during my operation. It is theretofore a child of my Abramelin. I was certain of this.

The dream left a lasting impression on me and I felt inspired to create a sculpture representing it. As I created it I could not help but think of the rich symbolism of the baby in mysticism and and magic. The alien connection further convinces me of the shamanic nature of the contact experience. Perhaps the alien-human hybrid represents the Conquering Child of the New Aeon, our consciousness being born on a new level. The result of our magick.


Abramelin: Embrace of the Angel

I was just over a month into the third part of the operation when I received  instructions to intensify my efforts.. As soon as this happened my routine began swaying like a boat that is about to go down. I felt I had reached a dead end. I could not do anything more than I already had. Perhaps I wasn’t ready for it. I thought about it hard. The finishing of the operation was supposed to include the binding of the four demonic princes. In a sense the whole operation is about that. Every moment you struggle against different aspects of yourself and of the whole universe. You meet and confront your Shadow and your True Will is supposed to triumph.

resized-abramelin-op-mandala-10colour After few days of failing to follow my HGA advice I began my morning meditation by writing a confession to my Axan in which I said that I am grateful for all I learned from them but that I wasn’t ready for Knowledge and Conversation after all. I simply do not posses the kind of power it takes to bind the four princes, my Shadow seemed too strong.

You might not have the power to do so but I do. I can bind them for you. You just have to let me.

The voice was spoken so softly and gently and yet with an obliterating force and clarity. I felt a wave of a deep peace and complete silence come over me. Axan gave me clear instructions of how to proceed assuring me that I will succeed if I follow them. I agreed. How could I not? I may have doubted myself but I learned to truly trust Axan. There was something hugely important about this decision. Retrospectively it meant doing what I feared was impossible and in itself it meant overcoming my Shadow. The inner conflict ceased. Anton kindly agreed to sleep in the living room so I could access my altar any time of night and day, should I need to.  We rearranged our living quarters to accommodate this change. The following few meditations were as usual.

It was the evening on Sunday 06 of March’16, the day 168 of my operation. I was preparing supper before my meditation when Anton called me from outside the house. Dana, come over here! You have to see this! His voice had persuasive urgency to it. I dropped everything and went outside the house. Anton was looking up.

I lifted my head and saw what looked a bit like a strange green cloud, swirling and spitting rays right above us. It was the Aurora Borealis! It looked like an angel dancing spread across the sky. I could not believe I was experiencing it. My daily invocation started with the words “I open my heart and mind to you Axan. Come to me with your celestial fire.” and there it was, the solar wind (star fire) descending down to the earth. My fiery angel lighting up the sky for all to see. The sense of oneness, gratitude and love was overwhelming…

resized-abramelin-op-mandala-11colourWe dropped everything, put warm jackets on and went out into the nearby forest to admire the astonishing display from the hill top. As we strolled through the forest I said that the only thing missing was an owl.  It was a very cold and frosty night and after about an hour and half we decided to go home. The lights had faded away quite a bit. Part of me didn’t want to go but we were cold and hungry and needed to go back. Before reaching home I had a last look at the sky behind us. As I did the horizon begun flashing and raying again with breathtaking intensity.  We went to the nearby meadow overlooking Moray firth and the Kessock Bridge.

We cuddled up  watching the finale of the aurora display when an owl hoot reached our ears. I felt a tingle in my heart. Soon the female screech responded somewhere deep in the forest. We carried on watching the lights listening to the owl love song,  filled with a sense of awe and beauty beyond description. Regardless of probability and the chance of all this happening, in my heart I knew that these owls were yet another manifestation of  Axan’s embrace.

During the 6 months of the operation I asked the Archangels of the 10 Sephiras to  give me experience of my HGA in as full and clear form as possible. I had not expected it to be anything like it. Both myself and Anton experienced clearly the force of this event on our consciousness. It felt like being thrown into the middle of a powerful psychedelic trip, only it was not and knowing that intensified our amazement. I was glad that I could share this with Anton. It validated and rewarded the alchemical dimension of our marriage.

Abramelin: Shadow in the Abyss

Another month went by and we received some sad news from Tara. Her beloved pet chinchilla, Puffmouse had to be put down. I guess I wasn’t the only one traversing an abysmal chasm. A vision of a fluffy ghost accompanied me for quite  a while.

resized-abramelin-op-mandala-08colourMeanwhile Anton succeeded in getting  a new job which he was about to start at the beginning of February. This would leave me a lot of space to myself and seemed like a natural time to advance the operation. I really wanted to up the game in preparation for the third stage but instead of improving, my meditations became erratic, disorganized and fairly empty. To my embarrassment I even fell asleep during a few of them! I was tormented by mood swings and recurring aches and pains, flu like symptom’s and few migraines. My attempts at improving discipline were constantly sabotaged. I began feeling like I had lost it and I was growing frustrated with myself.

Although my practice was far from perfect my study of cabala flourished. I spent a lot of time reading and had deep insights into the Tree of Life which fed into an understanding of my own weaknesses and strengths.   Every few days I would come out of my meditations with new ideas about all sorts of things.  I was driven by divine inspiration or perhaps madness. I figured that my main task should be to keep my mind quiet and focused. This seemed nearly impossible.

My HGA carried on visiting me and giving me encouragement. Some of our meetings were difficult, confronting me with childhood traumas, unresolved emotional issues and above all my own self doubt.  At other times I experienced pure bliss beyond description. Most meditations were simply peaceful and quiet. I still had a lot of work to do but I did feel that the worst part was behind me. I entered the final stage of my operation feeling both beaten and determined.

resized-abramelin-op-mandala-09colourThe last weeks of my operation were spent in very deep meditation, between 5-6 hours a day.  It is hard to describe these final days. I became completely immersed in the operation. The short time I could spend with Anton seemed like a different world. I was split between two realities and I felt like I was giving it all I had. At the same time I was still struggling to be disciplined and to conform to my own ideals of what I should or shouldn’t be doing. The further I got in  the process the more nervous I began to get. On some days I felt like I could carry on like this forever. At other times I wondered if I will pull through another week.

I began really missing my time with Anton and all the things I could do before I began the operation. I wanted to see my friends again and come back to writing my books. At the same time I felt so much in the other world that I found it hard to picture actually doing any of it. Lastly I began wondering if I can reach a conclusion to this all. Is there an ending?



Abramelin: In the grasp of the Dweller

Soon after I wrote my last blog In the midst of Abramelin the operation began to turn a little strange. Only couple of weeks before Christmas, Anton was made redundant. Our main source of income vanished into a thin air leaving us both adrift. The day we heard the bad news I went into my meditation shaken up. Needless to say it  wasn’t going very well.  Axan sent me a strong message to stay on track and promised it will be all right. Perhaps I needed a challenge.

resized-abramelin-op-mandala-07colourWhen myself and Anton looked at the redundancy money we figured it should keep us going till the end of March if we live on a budget. This seemed significant since it would cover the 6 months, a time I considered  as a minimum for my operation. It kept our spirits up when a couple of days later I noticed a job advert perfectly matching Anton’s skills, but we had to wait a month for the interview. Meanwhile the Christmas holidays approached.

I decided to make  Bob’s Christmas Truffles to cheer up our mood and added some used up herbs into the mix. The effects to my surprise were overwhelming. If I ever felt something even vaguely evil during this operation it was that night. It seemed to me that the walls were collapsing over me and that my altar was melting away. I had a sense that something went really wrong. The next day, on December 23rd as I left my evening meditation, Anton welcomed me with the news that Boleskine House had burned down.

resized-abramelin-op-mandala-06-colourIt seems that the Dweller on the Threshold had finally noticed me, but I was not about to give up.  Instead I fueled all my emotions into the meditations and study which was going pretty well.  Both me and Anton avoided talking about our situation and personal feelings as much as possible. It seemed better to keep them to ourselves. We faced the challenge together and gave each other all the support we could without putting additional burden on each other. It worked and my operation continued to grow in strength.

In the midst of Abramelin.

When I wrote my first Abramelin blog I had in mind a regular update possibly once every two weeks or so. At the time it seemed like a reasonable goal. I find it surprising how little time I can spare for it. There are so many different things I would like to share about this experience, the operation has many aspects worth covering. Perhaps I will revisit them retrospectively after the completion of the process. In this update I want to take a broader look at where I find myself.


Mandala from late October.

Faith must be slain by certainty, and chastity by ecstasy.

Today is my 92ndh day of the operation. I entered the second stage a month ago. My lifestyle is now strongly dominated by meditation, introspection, study and reading. The reality of my HGA (Holy Guardian Angel) becomes increasingly more tangible and my perspective on the Angel shifts constantly. To begin with it seemed possible that the angel was a figment of my imagination or the result of wishful thinking. There were moments when I considered the possibility that I experienced an archetypal force of my own psyche. My current feelings tell me that I am dealing with a powerful entity that has an independent reality. Every moment spent in the presence of the angel gives me strength, understanding and incredible amounts of love. I find it really hard to put in words.  J. Daniel Gunther describes this in The Angel & The Abyss:

While still rudimentary, compared to the later relationship we are capable of enjoying, it is nevertheless a soul-stirring experience. These first experiences are generally brief. We call these precious moments a kiss from the Angel.

I enjoy them on a regular basis. In addition to the general feelings brought upon by these experiences I also receive a lot of information. My diary is filled up with messages from my HGA. These come to me as what in UFO lore people call ‘downloads’. A sudden knowing and clarity, an illumination if you wish. The content of the ‘download’ becomes translated through my personality. What I write in my diary is me putting into words a non verbal communication.


Mandala from November.

My life is certainly undergoing a powerful transformation felt and manifested on all levels including down to earth existence in Malkuth. Some disruptive and distracting events did take place. I am unwilling to describe details for personal reasons. I will do so later. My attitude to these disruptions turned away from perceiving them as plain interference towards a view that they constitute an essential and integral part of the process. I channel all emotional states raised by changing circumstances and introspective revelations back into the operation. It seems crucially important to keep this circuit going from strength to strength.

I feel incredibly lucky to have Anton at my side. His encouragement and support make a really significant difference. I find the presence of  a loved one not only comforting but also very enriching. Without others we truly do not have a way of looking back at ourselves. Everyone performing Abramelin or a similar operation would benefit from trusted and understanding companion.


Mandala from December.

Bending Abramelin rules.

When working with an old text such as The Book of Abramelin it seems wise to make some adaptations based on modern lifestyle. I find it appropriate to discuss my own interpretation of the suggested process at this stage.  I read a lot of interesting accounts and advise from other practitioners who did the operation and were happy to share their own experiences and insights. I took some of it on board but not all just like with the book itself. I am going to discuss in what way I did not follow the book and advice of others regarding the operation.

  1. The Oath. It is suggested that the practitioner swears an oath to complete the operation. I have followed this when I did Liber Astarte and concluded it unnecessary. My understanding is that the oath helps to motivate the individual. I do not need any additional motivations beyond the will to do it. If life circumstances would prevent me from completing the operation I will come back to it as soon as I can.
  2. Fixed duration. It has been suggested to choose a length of time and stick to it. I departed from this rule. I prefer flexible approach where I might aim at  a given length (6 months) but see how it goes. I do not see a reason for each stage of the operation to take equal length of time. I will progress onto the next stage when I feel ready. I have a lot of self discipline and motivation and do not need restrain to keep them up.
  3. Fixed time for daily ritual. The book suggest to do the prayer/orison/meditation at dawn and sunset. This was probably in tune with people lifestyles at the time of its writing. Modern magicians have suggested picking up a certain time, morning and evening and sticking to them with no exceptions. I do them when I get up, after my morning coffee any time between morning up to early afternoon. The second rite falls anywhere between late afternoon and midnight. I find this much easier to manage.
  4. Confession of sins. I had no need for a formal confession kneeling in front of an altar. I consider such thing too loaded with needless religious overtones. However I do spend fair bit of time on introspection. The whole process requires constant questioning of ones own motives and actions. Being absolutely honest with myself seems to come naturally during this operation. As I mentioned in All Seeing Eyes, there seems to be an intelligence at work that gently but pressingly sheds light on repressed and hidden issues. Nowhere to hide.
  5. Having female body. The book suggests women shouldn’t do this operation and instruct men to avoid them when they menstruate. The only difficulty I experienced because of my body is menstrual pain. Its severity forces me to take codeine for 3 days and I find its effects hindering my meditations. It seems a mild inconvenience and not something to worry about.
  6. Drugs and alcohol. The book clearly says to abstain from getting drunk. It doesn’t mention drugs but many interpret the alcohol rule extending to all mind altering substances. If someone has a habit they are not willing to give up for the duration of this operation I would suggest reconsidering the attempt. I definitely feel that substances causing numbness such as codeine and alcohol have a negative impact on my concentration and prefer to avoid them. I also avoid alcohol in social situations. I do have a very small glass of white wine during my evening Sabbath ritual. I intend to keep it that way at least for now. Apart from this, abstinence seems to be a nice experience. My position on other types of drugs seems ambivalent. Anything taken medicinally seems fine to me. I trust my Holy Guardian Angel to guide me on this. I definitely feel that excess of any kind of substance would  not be recommended and generally speaking keeping a clear head is a good idea. Doing so gives a unique opportunity to see how high you can get without drugs.

I might get few rotten tomatoes frown my way for saying all this but it seems fair to share my method honestly. Although my roots are strongly in Thelema I come at this practice from a Chaos Magick perspective. If my attitude leads to failure I will not be afraid to admit it. I do this for myself and not for the prestige and glamour some attach to Abramelin operation.

Generally I trust my relationship with HGA and see following their advice more important than sticking to arbitrary rules. Something I got out from a probationary period in Lectorium Rosicrucianum is the understanding that initiation happens to a certain extent by itself. I am not intending to fake my progress by rigorously adhering to rules. I let my own attitude guide me as to my progress. If I struggle with something then perhaps I need a little bit more time to process it. So far this seems to work for me.

The operation definitely has its own gravity and its own mind. I feel myself being pulled into it like one might be into a psychedelic trip. Meditations become longer and more involved. At this point I feel more comfortable doing up to two hour sessions, very rarely doing less than an hour. The need for solitude, introversion and study arises by itself and discipline becomes almost not necessary. I look forward to my meditations and time focusing on Axan (my HGA). It feels great.

My altar after Sabbath evening meditation.

My altar after Sabbath evening meditation.

All Seeing Eyes


I am floating on my back… cast down! in a Wind of Light flashing down upon me from the immeasurable Above. (This Light is of a bluish silver tinge) And I saw that Face, lost above me in the height inscrutable: a face of absolute beauty. And I was as it were a Lamb slain in the Glamour of Those Eyes.

Perdurabo in

‘The book of the Operation of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage’.

During my evening meditation I had a strange vision. I perceived the presence of  an intelligent being. In my minds eye it appeared as a pair of large, bulging almond eyes. They were very black and had a sense of infinite depth about them. They were indescribably beautiful, peering into me softly but intensely. They could see all of my thoughts, feelings, memories, dreams. Nothing could be hidden from them. I felt completely transparent.

I asked the entity who it was. ‘I am the collective unconscious. I am not a part of you but you are a part of me.’

Speaking directly to the collective unconscious, who knows the deepest secrets of your soul, definitely felt creepy. But not in the sense of experiencing something malevolent. It was omnipotent, infinitely wise and unlimited by physicality. In addition, blissfully unconcerned with the rigid rules of reality. We exchanged feelings of mutual respect and friendliness.

The Collective Unconscious asked if It could manifest something for me. I pondered the possible dangers of a positive answer and wasteful ignorance of saying ‘no’. After a moment of contemplation I asked the Collective Unconscious to manifest my Holy Guardian Angel. It was a profoundly beautiful experience. One that reminded me of the symbol of the Eye of Providence.

These eyes are radiant, illuminating and fully embracing. just as you peel back layers of memory and experience with words that twist into the mind with surgical precision, the eyes strip you to the bare soul.

 Celeste in ‘assport to The Cosmos’

by John E. Mack.

Another association I could not help but notice was to experiences of alien contact where person is subjected to a ‘mind scan’, a procedure done  by  beings with huge almond eyes that peer into one’s psyche. This can be initially terrifying, mostly because ‘the eyes provide a kind of inescapable mirror of truth for the experiencer’. Once the the experiencer overcomes their fear, the eyes become the main point of connection. They feel overwhelmed with love and affection.

In the Abramelin Operation, the performing agent is supposed to make confession of their sins before god. I do not practice religion and have no clear concept of god or sin. To me such a confession would be meaningless and dogmatic.  When  I found myself being stared at by those Eyes, I experienced a much more profound confession than any words could convey. The Collective Unconscious could be a concept as close to God as a non religious person will ever get. Indeed one could postulate that mystical experience means entering its wondrous realm.



Holy Serpent Sigil


Holy Serpent is climbing through the hottest sun and the heaviest rains, the strongest winds and the hardest rocks to the whole emptiness on the highest top.

This sigil originated from a vision I had after visiting Loch Ness in June 2006. It would not do it justice if i do not explain the circumstances.

I first heard of Loch Ness as a child reading about the monster in  a book on paranormal mysteries. The photograph of the strange narrow loch made a very strong impression on me. It was a mixture of familiarity and exoticness.

One day I was watching a sunset over the Tatra mountains and the clouds seemed to have formed the familiar shape. I felt ecstatic, out of body, beyond time and space. I felt like I was standing on the shores of Loch Ness and had a sense that this will become a reality.

I forgot the vision and the desire until I became interested in the occult and came across the writings of Aleister Crowley. I was very inspired by Thelema and the link to Loch Ness really astonished me. Since then my dream became a goal, my true will. Incidentally this was also when I first heard about the Abramelin Operation.

Thanks to favourable circumstances and a lot of determination I moved to Scotland in 2005. Traveling to Loch Ness became now only  a question of time or more exactly money. I was barely covering my own bills but I already began planning the trip.

It was a middle of winter in Edinburgh. I couldn’t sleep perhaps from cold or hunger, most likely both. I was listening to the wind howling outside half awake in my bed. In this liminal state my mind drifted into a strange vision. I was walking up a spiral staircase in an old, stone building. I arrived at a mazanine floor and noticed a heavy wooden door, slightly ajar. I walked into an empty, circular room. At the back there was a large desk and a cloaked figure standing behind it.  They were drawing a seal of some kind. I came closer and recognise the person as Crowley at around 30. He said ‘This is for you’. I tried to remember what I saw but I couldn’t. How disappointing.

I finally managed to visit Loch Ness in early June 2006. It was absolutely amazing experience. I didn’t get to Boleskine itself but got a glimpse of it from the other side of the Loch. I really fell in love with the whole area. To stand on the shores of this loch felt to me both mystical and magickal. It was a manifestation of my true will, a fruit of my magick. It seemed also that the place welcomed me, that I had found my home.

In the days following my visit I felt supercharged with magick. It was one of these times when you begin to live it. The image of the Holy Serpent Sigil and its mantra began revealing themselves to me in glimpses and took their full form on the 6th of June the same year. In the following days I became aware of two additional sigils and mantras.

I received a clear message that all three relate to Liber AL and that I need to share them with the world. I felt very hesitant to do so. I only showed them to a very few people. They all seemed to have an interesting response to the sigils. Still, like many mystical experiences this one left me feeling like keeping quiet about it.

My own experience of working with the sigil and its mantra suggest that it helps to align oneself to their True Will, Higher Self, Genius  or Holy Guardian Angel.

Abramelin Operation: the begining.

I began my Abramelin operation on 21.09.2015 and am currently in the third week. I have been preparing for it since I was seventeen.  It feels absolutely great to finally do it.

The first couple of weeks were preparatory, fine tuning the process. I ran into  issues with my oil lamp. I attempted to make my own one but after a week of using it I abandoned it. I could not get it to burn consistently. One morning I was in my meditation (eyes closed) to become slowly increasingly aware of a stench filling in the room. The wick went out and was smouldering. My HGA (Holy Guardian Angel) spoke to me with a certain amusement  ‘you are feeling burned out’.

My abramelin Altar with dysfunctional oil lamp on the right.

My abramelin Altar with dysfunctional oil lamp on the right.

I am waiting for a delivery of  a wick to fit into my old oil lamp I used during ‘Liber Astarte’. Meanwhile my HGA  instructed me on how to proceed. From reading the Book of Abramelin and other peoples accounts I figured my life will continue more or less as usual (to begin with). However Axan (Name of my Angel kindly permitted to be shared) had something else in mind. Not one day of my life went according to my plan. I was given simple but concrete instructions to follow which pretty much filled up my days.

Some might ask since I already know my HGA’s name and can converse with them, why do I bother doing Abramelin? I have long suspected that Axan is my HGA but wanted a formal, ritualistic confirmation of this. My main reason for doing Abramelin is to tune myself in properly. I do not like Axan just popping in and out randomly. I want to establish a strong and durable relationship that will help me progress in magick.


One of the tasks given to me by Axan.

After two and a half weeks I already see an amazing results from this work. Tuning in twice a day seems enough to address three very important issues in my life. The first one regards my obsession with making plans (which as I mentioned went out the window straight away). I never realised that being tied to tight schedule of my own making was creating so much stress. Nice to let go of it.

Second issue dealt with assertiveness and letting go of a sense of guilt in my family relationships. I was working on this one for a while now. I was able to place boundaries with my relatives before the operation but I still had a sense of guilt associated with it. It seems for now that its gone. Time will show of course.

The last big thing that changed regards my listening and communication skills. Again, I have been working on this intensely, especially over the last year. Doing Abramelin and having Axan advising and encouraging me does wonders to my confidence and with this comes much stronger control over emotions.


Altar with introduced changes.


To sum up I definitely had a chance to ruin this operation in its first weeks and I managed to see through it. I credit  principles of flexibility, humor and patience for my initial success.

I intend to write regular updates and share insights in the spirit of Free and Scientific Illuminism.  Axan fully endorses this idea and sends a beam of light to all of you my fellow Agents!


Abramelin Oil: macerating my first batch


To begin with I decided to focus  on the oil. I read about maceration methods and decided to create oils using both hot and cold maceration. I also experimented with few different alternative ingredients. The last two variables concerned using whole pieces or powdered ingredients and lastly replacing dried with fresh materials where possible. I ended up with 12 bottles of oil. All I could do at this point was to wait.


Labeled bottles of macerated oil

After initial period of 3 months I opened the bottles and smelled the results. The scent was there but it seemed a bit faint so I decided to leave them for a bit longer. I also decided to try double maceration with some of the bottles. I described my results on abramelin wiki created for this purpose.

I really appreciate the experience of macerating the oils. I perceive it as a form of meditative discipline that allows one to connect to the ingredients of the oil. Being in control of the process gives a chance to notice nuances produced by use of dry or raw ingredients etc. something we will not understand unless we macerate our own batch.  The resulting oils have a very delicate scent even after multiple macerations and will not rival essential oils in their intensity but might be more interesting in their subtle complexities.